The Art of Dysfunction
by tennismaniac19
Summary: A bunch of 20 somethings living together was never meant to be easy. But when James' childhood friend comes over for an impromptu visit, Lily becomes increasingly insecure. On top of that, she must deal with the string of random girls Sirius seems to bring home to their flat, Remus' horrific mood swings, Marlene's career frustrations and the mystery behind Peter's diet change.
1. The end of the world

**A/N- Hey all! I recently watched Phoebe Waller-Bridge's hilarious show _Crashing_. And it inspired me to write a short fic about the Marauders. Keeping the basic premise the same, I'm gonna see where the characters take me. This shouldn't be too long, but I'm trying to do something different from my regular stories. Hope you guys like it!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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 **Chapter 1: This is how the world ends, not with a bang, but with a banging**

Life after Hogwarts was never what one expected. Jobs, responsibilities, relationships, and all the other stuff in between. But. What one never expected was to be living in an abandoned mansion with a group of friends from school, who successfully managed to create the most dysfunctional dynamic since the Dumbledores.

"Where's Pete? I lent him my book of _Heating Charms_ and he still hasn't given it back. I need to keep my cocoa warm!" Remus Lupin, tragically bitten by a werewolf at age 5, devastatingly good at Defensive spells, hoarder of books, and a borderline chocolate addict.

"Oh fuck off, dickhole! You know you just want him to slip it in and get kinky with him. Eh?" Sirius Black, disowned heir, smokes enough ciggis to give 10 giants lung cancer, is always either topless or pantless, and a supremely sarcastic arsehole.

"It's too early in the day for your bull, you sodding wank! I haven't even had my first cup o' coffee yet!" Marlene McKinnon, former Witch Weekly model, can't hold down a job, secretly drinks tea in a coffee mug, and never awake before noon.

"The beast is up and it's only half past 2. Must be a record, eh? I say with celebrate with shots! Who's up for it?" James Potter, recently orphaned, richer than the entire population of Hogwarts combined, always has something odd caught in his hair, and prefers Muggle vodka to Firewhiskey.

"Is everyone alright with Chinese food tonight? I found this great place near Hyde Park. Devastatingly cheap and super sanitary." Lily Evans, junior assistant to the Head of International Magical Cooperation, estranged from her family, secretly hates sweets, and self-proclaimed 'glue' keeping the group together.

"You're the best, sweetheart," James leaned in and kissed her on the mouth. They had been dating for almost three years now.

"I love you, mate. But you two are nauseating." Sirius was splayed out on the carpet, choosing to be topless at this point.

"Yeah? And those weren't Lucinda Parkinson's moans I heard coming out of your room last night?" Marlene scoffed, skipping over Sirius and reaching for the jug of coffee.

"How do you not have a plethora of STDs yet?" came Remus' dry retort, his fingers tapping the table impatiently.

"It's called a _Protection_ Charm for a reason, Moony," smirked Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Please, Merlin, tell me that bint isn't still here!" Marlene had a long standing rivalry with Lucinda Parkinson - both having started their modelling careers at the same time, but their career paths had taken drastically different curves after the first year.

"Marlene! You shouldn't talk about someone like that. And isn't it time you got over this? It's been ages. You two aren't even in the same line of work anymore!" Lily's suggestion was met with a dirty hand gesture from Marlene.

"Morning, loves!" Lucinda came out of Sirius' room, wearing his shirt, strategically buttoned in only a few places. "How's the career, MarMac?"

"Don't call me that, you bint!" Marlene growled, summoning the jug of coffee towards herself. "And put on some pants. You look like a slag."

"Still a jealous cow. No wonder you haven't had a proper shag in months." Lucinda wriggled in Sirius' lap, stretching out her bare long legs for everyone to see.

"That's it. Fucking it! You bloody-"

Marlene flicked the jug of coffee onto Lucinda, staining her white shirt and eliciting an unattractive shriek from her. What ensued was somewhat of a catfight, with Lucinda and Marlene wrestling on the floor, Sirius hooting in approval, Lily trying in vain to stop the fight but ultimately getting dragged onto the floor as well, James debating whether to dive in as well, and Remus yelling at the fact that he still didn't have hot cocoa.

"Umm, does anyone know where I can find James Potter?" Everyone looked up at the unfamiliar voice at the door. She was wearing tennis shoes, a pair of baggy pants, and what appeared to be some sort of sports jersey. Her dark hair was slightly dishevelled, as she struggled to manage the weight of two enormous bags and hold on to the shoulder of a very familiar person.

"Pete! Where the fuck have you been?" Remus was the first to spring into action.

"I-uh, I ran into him outside," said the stranger, uncertainly. "He told me I could find James over here."

"Al? Merlin, it is you!" James had finally noticed the person standing at the door, his face breaking into a delighted smile as he rushed towards her.

"Jammy! You little bugger! I've been searching all over London for you!" She exclaimed in delight as he scooped her up in his arms and twirled her around.

By this time, the tangle of human bodies on the floor had cleared up. Marlene and Lucinda were still glaring at each other, while Sirius stared at the newcomer curiously. Lily, on the other hand, felt like she was going to pass out.

"Oi! You lot! This is my childhood mate - Al! We practically grew up together before her family shifted. Al, these are my mates - Marlene," the short haired blonde smiled and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you."

"Remus."

"How'd you do?" The sandy haired bloke gave her a small smile.

"Sirius."

"Hello there. Why haven't I had the pleasure of meeting you before?" he winked at her, before placing a light kiss on her hand.

"You've already met Pete," continued James with a laugh. "And this," he pulled the only redhead in the room towards him. "Is my lovely Lily."

"I've heard so much about you," she said, giving Lily a brilliant smile.

"And that's Sirius', umm, Sirius' latest-"

Lily tuned out as James struggled to introduce Lucinda to his friend. The only thing on her mind was how unbelievably attractive James' childhood friend was, and how his hand was wrapped just a bit too securely around her waist.

 _Oh dear Merlin..._

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 **So that was the prologue. Establishing the base before I continue with the story. I'd love to know what you guys think! Lemme know in the comments!**

 **Cheers!**


	2. Violent Delights Have Violent Ends

**A/N- Hey! Back with the second chapter. Quick update because I have this fresh in my mind right now.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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 **Chapter 2: These violent delights have violent ends, most of the time anyway**

"Well, this is festive," Remus remarked, chugging down a bottle of Butterbeer.

James had decided that the return of his childhood friend warranted an impromptu party. Which meant a ton of Firewhiskey, Butterbeer, vodka, gin and tequila. Peter was already looking pretty pissed, having made it halfway through his second bottle of Butterbeer. He was trying very hard to take part in the animated conversation going on between James and his friend, but couldn't keep up with the familiarity between them.

"She's pretty fit," Marlene shrugged, before downing a shot of Firewhiskey. "And James has never mentioned her before?"

Lily shifted uncomfortably, trying hard to keep a straight face. "Not really. But he's hardly seen her since they were ten. Mostly kept in touch through letters."

"I wouldn't mind keeping in touch with her." Sirius let out a low growl, picking up his glass and walking towards the people in question.

"You don't have to worry about her anymore," Marlene scoffed, nudging Lily with her elbow. "Black dog is on duty."

"Worry about her? Why would I worry about her?" Lily's terrible attempt at covering her real feelings was met with an incredible eye roll from her friend.

"I'd worry about her." Remus flicked his wand and dumped a small bowl of chocolate sauce into his butterbeer. "No matter what he says, Sirius definitely has some kind of STD. He can't not, what with all the women he shags every week."

"I don't think it's only women he shags, love," Marlene raised an eyebrow knowingly.

"What? You mean he's…"

"I don't know what he is. But the fact is, Sirius will probably shag anything that is conscious and willing."

"Ugh. Marlene, I don't even want to know where you get this information from," Lily pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to shut out the sounds of James and his friend's laughter from across the room.

"Don't judge, Lils. Nobody said anything when you put a charm on the door stopping anyone with chocolates from entering."

"That was you?" Remus exclaimed. "Bloody bollocks, Lily! I had to dump a good 5 Galleons worth of Honeydukes because of that!"

"She also threw away my stack of Muggle comics." Peter had popped up suddenly, slumping onto the sofa.

"You WHAT?" Marlene had her hands on her hips at this point. Which was never a good sign. It either meant that someone was going to get Bat Bogeyed or there would be a stack of complaint letters from _Witch Weekly_ piling up outside the door.

"I thought it was rubbish," defended Lily. "To be fair, Peter, it smelt like dragon dung and was covered with some questionable looking material."

"I'm boycotting you tonight, Evans." Marlene walked over to where James was.

"I'm too pissed to move, but I'm boycotting you as well. Stay away from my sweets, Lilian," grumbled Remus, kicking his shoes off.

Meanwhile, Sirius had managed to slide into the conversation between old friends.

"Hi," he said, putting on his most charming voice. "I'm sorry for the pitiful excuse of an introduction Prongs gave. I'm Sirius. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Hello, Sirius," replied the new girl, struggling to maintain a straight face. "Alizeh. If it's left to this bugger, none of you'd ever know my full name."

" _Alizeh_ , that is absolutely incredible. You have a lovely name. Gorgeous, really. Positively radiant." It did rather seem like Sirius wasn't talking about her name anymore.

"Hello there, what's going on here?" Marlene had decided to walk in at this very instant.

"Sirius," said Alizeh, pointing to the man in question. "Was just waxing eloquent about my _name_. Marlene, right?"

"Yeah. So what do you do, Al?" The conversation continued in this vein, during which James extricated Sirius from the group with a certain degree of deliberation.

"This is not happening, Pads," he muttered, as soon as they were far away enough not to be overheard.

"Well, not yet anyway. But I am working on it. Don't worry, mate. I mean, it's so sweet that your concerned for my progress, but really, I've definitely going to get this done."

"No! You are not going to shag Al!" James gripped his friend's shoulder, making sure he understood that this wasn't some sort of joke. "She is off limits. Do you understand?"

"Okay. Why exactly?"

"Because I said so. Alright?"

"But why? Do you wanna shag her, then?" Sirius' eyes lit up at the thought. "Mate, that is wild! Don't worry. I won't mention anything to Evans. Unless you want me to."

"No! No, no, no. I do not want you to tell Lily! And I certainly do not want to shag Al! Fucking hell, Pads. Is that all that goes through your head? Do you not think of anything else?"

"Oh come on, Prongsy. Don't be a prude. No one would judge you for wanting to shag her. She's unbelievably fit."

"She's fuckin' _paki_ , innit?" Lucinda had finally decided to make an appearance, wearing the rather tight dress she had worn the night before when she had come in with Sirius.

"Don't use that word, Luce," said Sirius, letting his eyes roam over her. "It's bloody offensive."

"It's true, though. No matter what she wears or what she sounds like, she's still… _that,_ " she continued, lighting up a cigarette.

"Fuck you! Don't talk about her like that! Matter of fact, don't talk about anyone like that!" James' voice had risen considerably.

"What's the matter? Got a hard on for your mate? Can't say I blame you. That anal girlfriend of yours would make anyone's bollocks jump back in and never come out. Am I wrong?"

There was a bit of a pause, after which James charged at Lucinda, Sirius joining in (whether to stop the fight or enjoy it was questionable), while Marlene steered Alizeh away and kept hurling abuses at her long time rival.

"You'd think purebloods like them would consider using magic in situations like this," scoffed Remus, turning ever so slightly so that he could see the fight unfold.

"Why's Prongs so upset?" asked Peter, drool hanging from his chin.

"Lucinda called his friend a racial slur."

"I've never seen him react like this before," Peter gaped, sitting up straight.

"I mean, it was pretty offensive. _Paki_ is equivalent to a mudblood. I'm not surprised that James is upset. Although… I've never seen him get into a physical fight like this before. He always sticks to magic," Remus mused, scratching his stubble with the bottle of butterbeer.

This didn't do much to soothe Lily's already anxious mind. Seeing James wrestling Lucinda on the floor, defending his friend's honor, made her want to throw up everything she had eaten in the last 24 hours.

"I have to go," she said, getting up abruptly.

By this time, James had finally let go of Lucinda, making sure she left, and also making sure that Sirius never brought her back home again. Marlene was slumped over, giggling uncontrollably and spilling the last remnants of her drink on the carpet. Sirius took this opportunity to chat up Alizeh once again, which pretty much garnered an immediate response from James who dragged him away by the collar and put him on 'Marlene Watch'. After which, he led Alizeh to the guest room, apologising profusely for all the shit that had taken place that evening. This left Remus munching on a stale Chocolate frog, while Peter stared into the fire in confusion.

"So where is she from then?"

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 **Okay, so this is the first time I'm writing about a POC in a Harry Potter fanfic. Suitably anxious about it. To be clear, this is supposed to be an almost satirical take. Not meant to offend anyone. So I'd love to know your opinions on how the story is shaping up.**

 **Cheers!**


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